Trigger warning: this post mentions bereavement.
This feels like a good time to return as this is the month that everything changed for everyone last year. This is the longest break I have taken away from my blog and most of the time I know I will be back and better. However this time around I didn’t know what to say, I was overthinking everything and I couldn’t bring myself to write more than a few sentences.
Recently I have tried to use my experiences to share something useful. I no longer wanted my posts to just be about me, I wanted to make my posts feel more inclusive and take some of the focus off of me, so “I” and “me” changed to “we” and “you“. This definitely made it difficult to come back because I felt as if I was experiencing so much that all I really had to talk about was myself and I didn’t feel like that was needed. This blog has always felt like something that was bigger than me, and that had put a lot of pressure on me to get back to serving others as soon as possible and up until recently I couldn’t commit to that.
During one of my therapy sessions, I was sharing what I was experiencing at the time, and my therapist mentioned that she sensed loss. At this point I had not mentioned that my grandad’s funeral was a few days away, so you can imagine that just the word loss triggered some emotions and I struggled to hold back the tears. Not only was myself and my family grieving, but I was also experiencing the loss of several other things.
There was the loss of my grandad, the loss of freedom, the loss of my creativity, loss of my passion, loss of familiarity, loss of routine, loss of self, loss of opportunities and so many other things we can say we have loss over the year. Sometimes we feel it is only people that we morn, but it is everything and anything that you have lost over the last 12 months that deserves it’s time to be mourned.
This time away has allowed me to go through all the emotions of loss, and this is not to say that those feelings, emotions and experiences of loss will not return. You just learn that certain things require more time, and attention and that is part of the human experience, we live and we constantly learn how to manage everything better.
As much as I would have liked to spend this time away working on a secret project or tackling a big opportunity, as the world changed so did I and I had to learn how to manage change. As we already know change is a constant but me and change have always had a complicated relationship and this time around as much as I am still not a fan of it, I really had to learn how adapt and manage myself better during these changes.
I am glad to be back and I really hope this post brings some comfort and reassurance to those who have also experienced any losses over the year and please do not feel guilty for taking time away from anything for yourself, you are no good to yourself or anyone else if you aren’t looking after yourself.