Fat, Black & Single

 

Fat

Sometimes I feel like I have to lose weight in order to be liked by men and sometimes I’m just glad men don’t bother me.

Like most women, I want a man who wants me for me. If  or when I decide to lose weight, I don’t want that to then be the reason for more male attention. My weight shouldn’t make me less or more desirable, but in this society it seems like I either have to look like the standard of beauty or accept being single.

I believe the idea of becoming “more desirable” if I lose weight is  stopping me from losing any weight. I have started to noticed it’s all down to being comfortable. I’m comfortable going about my day not being cat called or looked at, there’s comfort in feeling invisible.

Black

I don’t think being black is the reason why I’m single, but I think being somewhat “Pro-Black” whatever that may means makes it harder to find a suitable partner in the UK. Black men in the UK don’t seem conscious to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, please point me in the direction of the woke British men (PLEASE👀).

The man I want HAS to be black!. People may think that I’m limiting myself and that “love has no colour”, but growing up interracial relationships wasn’t something that was ever on my mind. I won’t go too deep with that, I’ll just end this by saying God please bring me a dark skin brother with dreadlocks, thankyou in advance.

Single

I have issues and I’m not really sure where they come from. I think it’s because I’ve seen enough dysfunctional and broken relationships in my time to really take it easy before jumping into a relationship. I feel like prevention is better than trying to cure the issue. I know I am not a very impulsive person so that does make it harder for me to do anything just because.
 
I don’t want to settle or find myself in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil me. I feel like being single right now, is allowing me to have the time to focus on myself and what it is that I truly want out of life, which in time will reveal what I want and need in a relationship.
 

I truly believe that I’m single because I am meant to be.  I’m not ready for a relationship, I’m not ready to love anybody yet, I barely love myself some days. Until that changes, my King has to wait.

I need to be able to be more honest with myself and others. I’ve ended friendships simply because I can’t tell friends how I feel about them. I find it easier having no friends, that way I don’t have to worry about their feelings towards me and I don’t have to worry about feeling left out. I don’t know how a relationship could work if I’m too afraid to say what’s on my mind. The thought of it makes me feel extremely vulnerable and powerless, that’s not the kind of vulnerability I want in any future relationships.

Honesty and confidence are the two things I need to work on most in order to feel ready to be in a relationship.

Read part two of this post here.

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