Being Conscious is Exhausting

This James Baldwin quote perfectly explains how I’m feeling right now. It’s been a week of deaths within the black community and the feeling of sadness and the anger has started up again. Sometimes I think about how much easier it is to go about your day not hearing or seeing these tragedies. It’s horrible to say, because it’s all real, it’s not something that I should even have to hear about every other month to begin with. But it’s all real, there’s no escaping the truth. I just can’t help but think about how easy it was to walk into spaces and not feel a certain way about white people. I catch myself now feeling uncomfortable and reserved around white people. There’s a lack of trust and I’m constantly watching to see how they’re reacting to these tragedies both on social media and at work.

Not saying anything is says everything to me, I know that you’re seeing this. 

I’m just more aware of my feelings and how I see people. I used to be able to watch hours of hauls and chit chat get ready with me videos but now? Now I find myself consciously looking for videos of black men and women speaking about race and social issues to keep me in the loop and to also get a different perspective of things. I can’t even click on funny or light videos without feeling like I’m wasting my time. I shouldn’t feel like this because I know balance is important.

It’s okay!

Your blackness will not disappear.

Taking a break from it all is going to do more good than bad.

I honestly do feel on edge, like I’m constantly waiting for something to happen, because I don’t believe that this will be the last of these events…Unfortunately.

I’m silently angry and constantly thinking of ways to make the world a better place, without realising that I’m only one person. There’s only so much I can do, besides where do I even start? How do I contribute to the end of police brutality and systematic racism? Is it even possible? Should I just accept racism as part of the natural order of things?

I look at other woke black men and women and I wonder how they stay sane? how do they handle all of this without feeling like they’re going crazy? I feel like we need to start asking each other how we are.

The more people I follow, the more I see. If I wasn’t following who I was, I wouldn’t be seeing the white girls in black face, I wouldn’t be seeing the videos of my brothers and sisters being murdered. Do I regret following these people and witnessing it all? Hell no! I just know that my mental health is important and if it gets too much, it’s fine to take a break from it all. Switch off my phone, log out of social media, avoid the news…it’s okay.

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